Relationship Breakdown

There are many issues that lead to relationship breakdown that are as complex and as varied as the individuals themselves, however a breakdown in communication is usually at the root of the problem.  Issues range from not being or feeling ‘heard’, to angry outbursts and emotional dysregulation.  There is rarely arguing without emotions being at the centre of the conflict, and when emotions walk in the door, logic often leaves the room.  But there are ways to break the negative cycle of conflict that can become familiar when the issues are often the same, just dressed in different disguises.  Let’s begin by identifying the types of behaviours we want to avoid to get our relationship back on track.

Behaviours to avoid
John Gottman (2015), a well-known couples therapist, talks about ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ which are predictors of behaviours that lead to a break-up. They are:

• Criticism – attacking the character of the partner
• Defensiveness – self-protection and retaliation to ward off perceived attacks
• Contempt – treating the partner with disrespect or ridicule
• Stonewalling – withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down or checking out

If you notice one or a couple of these predictors, it’s time to work on the relationship! So how do we stop the Four Horsemen?  When you notice you are criticizing, choose to talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need.  Rather than being defensive, take responsibility and accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.  Build a culture of appreciation and remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions rather than feeling contempt. If you find yourself stonewalling, take a break and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting.

Noticing a negative cycle
Susan Johnson (2020) talks about Emotion Focused therapy because emotions are the core of relationship issues, and if we don’t bring our emotions to therapy then not much work will get done. I get that this can be scary because talking about our emotions can be difficult, but it’s crucial for change to happen.  If we are not fully invested in making change then we need to ask ourselves why?  As Irvin Yalom (2003) states, ‘It is only when therapy enlists deep emotions that it becomes a powerful force for change”. The pure forcefulness of the therapist’s argument rarely is enough to affect change.

So, whilst relationship therapy involves many factors such as the types of attachment each person carries, the level of emotional involvement and the type of emotional regulation they exercise, the first step is in noticing the negative cycles or patterns that play out and finding ways to break that cycle.  Have you ever noticed that your arguments seem to go around in circles?  This is the negative cycle and if we can change one thing in that cycle, we may be able to break that pattern of disagreement.

It may mean changing your communication style and learning to really listen to what each other is saying, giving each other the space to be heard.  This ‘softening’ means you are becoming more accessible and reaching for connection.  When we ‘blame’, we are focusing on the faults of the other and are not open to listening.

Sometimes we need to reframe an experience to break the negative cycle.  Start by using the position of “I” rather than “you”. For example, “I feel” or “I think” rather than “you did this” or “you said that”, which becomes blaming. When a person feels blamed – whether rightly or wrongly – it’s common that they respond with defensiveness.  “I” statements are a simple way of speaking that will help you avoid this trap by reducing feelings of blame.  A good “I” statement takes responsibility for one’s own feelings, while tactfully describing a problem.

An example:

Blaming statement: “You can’t keep coming home so late! It’s inconsiderate!”

“I” Statement: “I feel worried when you come home late. I can’t sleep.”

Esther Perel (2023) talks about “The fight is not about the object ie. “You didn’t make me a coffee”. But rather the issue underneath ie. “You not making the coffee, to me, means you don’t think of me, therefore you don’t love me”.  Sometimes we need to dig deep to uncover the real issue.

If we keep responding the same way, nothing changes. Another way to respond may be “when you do this to me, this is what happens to me’’.

Focus on relationship conflict resolution
Focus on the problem, not the person – when an argument turns personal, voices are raised or mocking tones start, the conversation is no longer productive.  Pause the conversation and refocus.

Use reflective listening – often we are keen to get our own point across rather than listening to the other person.  Before responding, restate what they have said in your own words to clarify.  When you both agree to what is being said, then share your side.  Ask your partner to reflect back to you so you both feel heard.

Work toward a resolution – disagreement is a normal part of a relationship.  It’s how you disagree that will either keep you stuck or move you forward.  If you continue to disagree, focus on a resolution and try to find a compromise that benefits both.  Ask yourself if this disagreement really matters to your relationship and let yourself move on if not.  Rather than focusing on the surface level disagreement ( for example, that “you come home late”), try and focus on what the issue is underneath.  Is the other person worried, not feeling considered or isn’t comfortable being home alone?  Dig deeper.

Some ideas to foster good relationships
Do things together – share the load on both fun things and also chores. The bond is created by experiencing things together.

Unplug from technology – put down the phone, close the laptop, prioritise your partner by giving them your full attention.

Share some music – while you are cooking dinner, enjoying a lazy Sunday, or because there is nothing good on tv.  Music has healing and therapeutic properties that can change a mood.

Start a question jar – getting to really know your partner and finding out their goals and dreams; there is always more to learn about the person that means the most to you.  We use a gratitude jar with kids in schools to write on a strip of paper whenever they are feeling grateful for something.  They open the jar on New Year’s Eve and read all the good things that have happened to them over the year.

Plan talk time for difficult discussions and keep to a timeframe – anything that pops up during the week you can  allocate to the ‘talk time’.  I use this one a lot with ‘worry time’ and tell clients when they feel overwhelmed with worry, allocate a block of time in their week or day and place all their worries in that timeframe to observe.  Often when they get to ‘worry time’ their worries are smaller and less significant than originally thought.

If you need more information, you can always talk to a Rural Aid counsellor.  We are Australia-wide and will come to your farm or town to support you, or we offer Telehealth. And it’s completely free!

Call 1300 175 594 to find out more.