The Power of Self-Compassion (You are worth being kind to yourself)
Written by: Cheryl Calder
Counsellor and Community Representative – Toowoomba, Queensland, Rural Aid
There are times in our lives when we find ourselves supporting and encouraging the people around us. It may be family, or it could be our close friends. They may be struggling with the way they are talking to themselves about certain situations, putting themselves down, or in some cases dealing with something that feels big and overwhelming like the impact of a disaster and looking for ways to blame themselves. They say to us things like, “If I had of done this or that…”, “Wow I am really stupid for letting this happen…”, “I am such an idiot…” or “This is too much for someone like me to handle…”. There are many things we all say when we are being tough on ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find it that hard to give compassion and kind words to those I care about when I notice they are being tough on themselves. However, there are times when I find it hard to turn those positive comments and compassion around and direct it to myself. We all do it if we are being honest with ourselves. Even as counsellors, we are human also, and just like you, there are times in our lives where we too struggle with self-compassion and being kind to ourselves.
Research by people like Kristen Neff and Chris Germer (who have some great free resources on this topic https://self-compassion.org, https://chrisgermer.com), has shown that people who practice self-compassion and are kind to themselves with thoughts, words and behaviours, have a greater satisfaction with life. They also have increased overall wellbeing, better social connections, a boost in self-worth and resilience, decreased anxiety and fear of failure, along with many other benefits. Self-compassion is also proven to directly reduce the symptoms of trauma.
So, you might be thinking “How do I practice self-compassion?”, “Where do I start?”, “It sounds too difficult to be kind to myself”. Well, I asked myself those same questions. But I found the following ways helpful and hope you do too!
A good place to start is with self-talk
Notice how you are talking to yourself. Replace the negative ways you are speaking to yourself, with kinder, more encouraging words. For example, instead of saying, “I am such an idiot for saying that…” replace it with, “I had a moment where I could have done that better, and that’s okay.” Talk to yourself as you would your friend.
Notice how you are talking to yourself. Replace the negative ways you are speaking to yourself, with kinder, more encouraging words. For example, instead of saying, “I am such an idiot for saying that…” replace it with, “I had a moment where I could have done that better, and that’s okay.” Talk to yourself as you would your friend.
At the end of the day, write yourself a short gratitude list
Gratitude does not mean we aren’t allowed to experience difficult things, and therefore bypassing necessary emotions. When we practice gratitude it becomes a powerful way of showing the great things we do and the wonderful things we have in our lives.
Gratitude does not mean we aren’t allowed to experience difficult things, and therefore bypassing necessary emotions. When we practice gratitude it becomes a powerful way of showing the great things we do and the wonderful things we have in our lives.
Learn ways to accept and forgive yourself
Become more self-aware
Notice your feelings, your physical sensations, your reactions, your habits, your behaviours, and your thoughts. You are aware of all those different aspects of yourself as if you were another person observing you.
Notice your feelings, your physical sensations, your reactions, your habits, your behaviours, and your thoughts. You are aware of all those different aspects of yourself as if you were another person observing you.
Practice being mindful and taking moments for yourself
Seek support from a professional
like a counsellor from Rural Aid, who can support you in this process.
like a counsellor from Rural Aid, who can support you in this process.
Self-kindness means treating our worth as unconditional even when we fall short of our own expectations, whether it’s through our behaviours or even just our thoughts (Barnard & Curry, 2011)